A Non-Non Partisan Beginner’s Guide To The Canadian General Election

If you live in Canada, and if you have any vision, hearing, or especially a sense of smell, you already know that a federal election campaign is on.

Mugshots of wannabes with beady eyes and disfigured expressions appear all over, imploring you with their catchy slogans and pretty colours, but also politely reminding you that a vote for them is what’s best for you.

Naturally, those of us who are already decided or are dedicated to a particular party or ideology have our own take on what is right and who to vote for.

But what about those of you who don’t follow politics, yet want a basic enough overview of the federal parties to know which candidate best represents your ideas and beliefs? You should not have to sift through policy papers, listen to speeches, or even more boring, watch television just to fulfill your (arguably) civic duty.

I have decided to provide you, as a public service, with a summary of what the five major federal parties stand for, in order of their current popularity, so that you may mark your X with a clear conscience, and not tie up the lines at the voting booth by tossing coins, rolling dice, or asking scrutineers to pick a number.

All of the following is, of course, my own humble opinion.

As an additional disclaimer, please remember that what I write below does not represent the actual platforms of the parties, but rather reflects the reputations they have developed over time.

The Conservative Party

The Conservative Party is the hybrid child of big business, law and order sociopaths, social prudes and redneck racists. Born of the merger of the Canadian Alliance, intolerant of anyone who is different from them, and the Progressive Conservative Party, intolerant of anyone poorer than them, the Conservative Party consolidated these two parties into one under which all intolerance could congregate. They are sometimes accused of having a hidden agenda, but this has been difficult to ascertain as only a handful of party members are actually allowed to speak.

The Liberal Party

Known by many as the ‘Natural Governing Party of Canada’, the Liberals are exactly that, the party of the the Canadian political elite. Like all political parties, their main purpose is to gain power and feed at the public trough, although the Liberals have been far more sucessful at it than any other party in Canada’s history. In keeping with the traditions of political elitism, many working class families have been voting exclusively Liberal for generations now, regardless of policy and even if it might be against their own interests. Due to this phenomenon, Liberals continue to get elected no matter how badly they get caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

The New Democratic Party

The NDP could have easily been called the Umbrella Party, as it attracts members from a vastly diverse collection of special interests and ideologies, almost all progressive to a degree. Traditionally the home of the unions and the working class, the New Democrats have expanded their coalition to include virtually everyone, including many who would be considered extremists in the other major parties, such as pot activists, gay rights activists, women’s rights activists, and just plain activists. Because the NDP has never won a national election, it is not known for certain whether an NDP government would spend the country into bankruptcy, but they would certainly be expected to not go down without trying.

The Green Party

The Green Party is where you go when the NDP rejects you. Green Party members really are the most environmentally conscious, and as such more likely to wear flowers or actually drive a car running on olive oil or some other biofuel, if they are not angrily anti-motorist. They would impose their rigid environmental standards on all, ultimately affecting our dietary, reading and personal grooming choices. Of the five major parties, Green Party members are the most likely to get tasered in a demonstration, closely followed by their kindred souls, the New Democrats. Many people who vote for this party only do so because the word Green appears in the name.

Le Bloc Québecois

The Bloc Québecois is the choice party of the Quebec independence movement. The Bloc insists on participating in the Canadian Federal System, even though they purportedly want to break it apart. Although they claim to represent the interests of Quebeckers, it is more likely they represent the interests of collecting their healthy pensions, as they win uncontested in many regions of Quebec only because they have the word Québecois in their name. The Liberals can learn from this, and reclaim many lost votes in the process, by renaming their party the Liberal Party of Les Canadiens de Montréal, and change their logo to a big ‘C’ with an ‘L’ inside.

There you have it! I have managed to offend everyone, even myself! Whew! I’m feeling a bit queasy right now. I should get some air.

So if after reading this you still can’t decide who to vote for, abstinence may be for you. I’m of course referring to abstaining from voting, but you knew that already.

And if indeed I have been able to contribute in the smallest way to your reaching a decision, I accept your thanks in advance, and wish you happy voting.

Finally, for those of you livid with anger at the moment, or offended at all, please understand that this post was intended as humour, so please try to laugh at it, or laugh it off. It really wasn’t meant for you personally, and besides, you are the exception to these stereotypes anyway, right?

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