How Does One Cheat At Golf? Let Me Count The Ways!

As the endless Winter From Hell continues here in eastern Canada, a restless man’s mind, infected with a serious case of cabin fever among other things, turns to golf, after having already turned to other pressing matters such as shovelling snow, and suicide of course.

A big part of me hates to admit this, I being such a non-bourgeois working class stiff and all, but I’ve been playing golf for quite a long time now. In fact, September 2009 will mark my 20th anniversary as a regular weekend golfer.

I have never been very good at it. In fact, my best score ever is 90. This was achieved by me on July 24th, 2004, and never since repeated. In reality, I still fail to break 100 more often than not, to my embarrassment. Maybe lessons will help, but probably not. My bad habits are so ingrained now that I wouldn’t be able to hit the ball without them. Yet, it should be clear that I enjoy the game. Why else why would I allow myself to suffer for so long?

It goes without saying (although I insist on saying it anyway) that those of us who enjoy golf see that there are other important aspects to the game besides our scores. Looking good on the course is one of them, as is ensuring that we drink enough beer afterwards, but they frankly pale in importance, even though they are as equally difficult as scoring low, at least for myself. 

Okay, I obviously lack talent, but you would think that with experience my scores would improve, wouldn’t you? I mean, almost every other golfer I have met claims to be routinely scoring in the mid-80′s, so I should really be concerned.

In truth, I am not concerned in the least. Our small gang has had a mini league going for over 15 years, and every game we play counts towards our league statistics, regardless of how bad the conditions. One of the bright points (maybe the only one) about our golf association is our brutal, unwavering honesty on the scorecard and on the course. It would be unfair to have it any other way.

Yes, you read that right. My golf scores are high because I do not cheat.

I am not saying that everyone else cheats at golf, but I fearlessly estimate that more do than don’t. 

Paradoxically, most weekend golfers are influenced to some degree by the pros, who never, ever cheat. At the professional level the game is played in truly honourable fashion, as it is meant to be. Maybe it is because of the abudndance of spectators and cameras, which would not be surprising. Still, cheating is non existent at that level, and anyone who gets caught moving their ball even a millimetre, even unintentionally, will be suspected forever by their peers and their lives will be made hellish on the Tour. At the amateur, weekend golfer level, however, cheating is common.

Maybe accusing everyone who doesn’t play completely by the book of cheating is going a touch overboard. I recognize that the intention is not always there. I think when someone errs it is impolite to accuse, especially the first couple of times. Also, I don’t consider a cheater anyone who openly heads to the golf course for the walk and the sunshine, and to take a few swings without taking golf seriously. The moment, however, that anyone claims to either be a serious golfer, or even simply mentions their scores to the world at large, they lose all leeway insofar as respecting the rules goes. The gauntlet gets thrown down with that famously vectorial force and direction.

When we are suspicious of a cheater, our gut instinct almost always proves correct, if only because cheating is indeed so rampant. I have taken the liberty of breaking this massive group into smaller, more digestible categories, for your honest amusement:

The Cheater of Convenience

The hardest type of cheater to actually catch, this slimeball can post an honest score for weeks, but will eventually find himself among the trees without witnesses, and will always get out unscathed. When I go into the trees I rarely return to fairwayland without great damage done to my score. Nobody can be that lucky all of the time. Even if this lowlife is actually playing honestly, his horseshoe-up-the-ass consistently good fortune merits extra scrutiny.

The mulligan-gimmie-prop-it-upper

The most common of cheaters, this type of golfer pretends that all is well, anticipates a strong game on the first tee box, shanks his drive, then announces matter of factly “I’m taking my Mulligan”. For those who aren’t aware, a Mulligan is a a common form of cheating, specifically a replay of a shot just taken, without penalty. Since the perpetrators are often strangers, nobody dares protest. It is his game, after all. He will then proceed to play through 18 holes by the rules, except for fluffing his ball when in the rough and picking up his ball when he gets to within three feet of the hole. Do you know how many three foot putts I’ve missed in my lifetime? You can’t imagine! Seriously! Really! I really really can’t stress enough how you can’t imagine!

The Forgetful One

We’ve all played a round with this classic stroke-shaver. After his drive goes into the water hazard, he drops a ball at the point of entry, hits another one into the lake, then finally clears the water and goes into the greenside bunker, where it takes him three shots to get out. Once his ball is finally on the green, he needs three putts to put the ball into the hole. He then announces proudly that he just scored a seven, and if you call him on it, he will innocently claim that he miscounted. Nobody is that bad at counting! Come on! We grew up watching Sesame Street!

The Unapologetic Incorrigible Cheater

A member of our final group will never find themselves taking part in one of our league’s official events, but we can find them at every golf course. They will do everything necessary to post their target score, shamelessly. Kicking the ball in full view of their playing partners from behind a tree onto the fairway is an act not beyond this type of trickster. They will continue on their merry way in this manner through 18 holes, not just breaking the rules, but acting as though they don’t even exist. They even get angry after hitting a bad shot, which is dumb, because they are going to rescue themselves anyway. When this type drops another ball after hitting one into the woods, you know they won’t be counting the penalty. When they reach the 18th green, they proudly pick up their ball two feet from the hole and declare their satisfaction with having scored their best ever, 82!!! Obviously, this type of golfer never has a bad game.

As you can see, in golf there are almost as many ways to cheat as there are cheaters, but since you read this far into this post (I can almost hear you yawn as I type), I am going to presume that you are not among them. After all, why would an actual cheater bother enduring such abuse? I’m so logical.

So I conclude once again by offering simple advice. Continue playing golf by the rules and be proud that the 118 you just scored was honest. Bragging Bob may have impressed with tales of his 2-over par performance, but don’t let the sexy ladies on each arm sway you. Remember he is only cheating himself.